I struggle with believing that God is going to disappoint me. Years of unanswered prayers, current struggles I’ve wished long gone, pain and discomfort I fear will linger long until eternity I have allowed to shape me into a person who wrestles with the manifestation of God’s goodness.
I know He is good. I theologically and personally assert, defend, and lean on that truth. But experientially, in my day-to-day, the choices I make to not choose Him but some lesser god who does not exist nor can provide for me shows I truly struggle to believe in His goodness. And that reveals a deeper cavern of disbelief that I see in myself: I struggle to believe that God is for me.
God being for me means I wrestle with how I view the way God deals with me. I struggle and wonder if His actions on my behalf are for my good. This is not an uncommon struggle. Elijah feared this in the valley on the run from Jezebel; David pondered this many nights on the run from King Saul and even his own son; the disciples thought this in the middle of a storm that Jesus somehow found the ability to sleep through. And our forefather and mother, Adam and Eve, thought in the same vein as they chose to listen to a created tempter than their Soveriegn Creator and Father. Like parents, like children.
Romans 8 does a magnificent job to dispel this fear lingering inside every Christian. Verse 32 states this:
“He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?”
Romans 8:32 ESV
Paul is basically saying “Y’all. The Father, who has been eternally in community and in love with His Son, gave up said Son to you and with Him, all the rights and privileges of His Sonship. So, what’s the issue, guys?” And it is true; the Father gave His most valued love, His Son, to us, God the Son, Jesus Christ. There is not a thing on Earth or Heaven above, real or imagined, that could ever, nor will ever, come close in comparison to the Son of God. For He is God, eternally begotten, fully God, Savior of the World, the only wise God and King. And He, obeying the will of the Father, offered Himself up for us, to us, so that through Him we could be called children of God if we believe.
So, we have been given Jesus, the only answer to our sinful condition which is, by far, the worse thing about us and that has happened to us. If God is so loving to not leave us here, why would we doubt His love? Why would I doubt his love? It’s because of my disbelief. It is because of the heart of sin inside of me that has been dealt with and requires dealing with daily. I worry because I don’t believe. I am anxious and fearful because I don’t believe rightly. I’m not saying there is some magic faith that happens when I simply choose to not disbelieve; I am saying, though, that if I did believe, as the Bible tells me to, my struggle might be more victorious than not.
Either way, God is faithful. Even when we are faithless, God is faithful. God is for me. His plans for me are for a future and hope. He works all things together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. He is able to keep me unto the end. And He, foremost of all, is for me. And He has proven all of this is the Person and work of Jesus Christ. I believe, Father; help my unbelief.